Moving to Texas to train as a midwife was one of the most significant decisions I have ever made. It was two short years where I encountered life in the real world as an adult, apart from everything familiar to me. To say I was pushed outside my comfort zone is an understatement. I had always been raised in a Christian home, but never truly had developed a relationship with God that was my own. Growing up I built a life on bitterness, anger, and misunderstanding of a God I felt would throw me to the wolves the minute I made a mistake. When I moved to Texas I slowly started experimenting with life. I gave up on my relationship with God because I no longer could maintain the pressure of a God who would freak anytime I did something wrong. I tried everything I wanted, but was never able to growing up because I lived at home. Looking back on the past two years now, I don't regret anything. Every "bad" decision I made was a beautiful mistake. It brought me back to ground zero and in that place of emptiness I encountered the God I had always known, but never experienced. The view of God I had always held on to was shattered and in giving that up I embraced my future with a God who didn't judge me, loved me through every decision, and gave me the freedom to choose. A God who held me with open arms but fierce love. No more control, no more guilt, no more judgment. God's love is real and raw and unconditional.
Growing up I had known (and still know) so many fake "Christians." People who think they know God, but are so tied up doing everything right, they miss out on Him completely. Ill always remember the first few people I met who demonstrated a "real" faith to me. People who didn't judge my decisions, but enjoyed life with God enough to just love no matter. First among those was the midwife, Amber, I apprenticed under for two years at Family Birth Center. She probably doesn't realize the impact two years of training made on my life. She demonstrated a faith so very real & true to me. From there I started developing friendships with people who challenged my view of God and helped me to embrace life with open arms. I no longer believe in mistakes. Every decision we make, whether positive or negative, can be created into a beautiful thing in our lives. I've given up judging, because every person on earth needs the freedom to be their own person and make their own decisions. My mission is to love, and to love unconditionally. I feel as though freedom came for me when I understood the unconditional love of God. That understanding has created a new desire to know God...in a way I enjoy and am excited about.
Freedom also came for me when I realized that to live openly and honestly with those you love is the most important thing. Too often we are fake and live double lives: one life that is acceptable to our friends, and another that is acceptable to our family. When I finally was willing to be rejected in order to be real, I owned and accepted myself. I gave myself permission to take the journey and experience life. I stopped beating myself up and realized that because my family loved me so much, they too were giving me the freedom to be real, to make "mistakes" and to grow. To live free is to live real.
I am so grateful for the two years I was given to find myself & for every friend who played a significant role in my life. I look forward to a future full of lessons and plan on enjoying every transforming moment.
"Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade "
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade "
